Thursday, April 1, 2010

December 21, 2012

The ancient Mayans built lots of pyramid-shaped temples in the Yucatan peninsula. Millions of yucky-tan tourists with sweaty temples travel to this hot-spot from far and wide to gawp in astonishment. And some, if not all, of these temples are perfectly aligned to Cosmic Phenomena.

Not to be outdone, the Canary Islands have the Pyramids of Guimar. The long sides of these pyramids follow the direction of both Solstices. I’ve been there on the Summer Solstice, and seen a double sunset – with the sun dropping behind a mountain top, after which it miraculously emerges from behind the mountain and sets a second time behind another peak. You get a bit boss-eyed watching a double sunset, and most ancient Mayan astronomers were boss-eyed.

The Norwegian Thor Heyerdahl, who sailed his Kon Tiki raft for 4300 miles from South America to the Tuamoto Islands, became convinced that the Pyramids of Guimar were a notorious watering-hole on voyages made between ancient Egypt and the Maya civilisation in the Yucatan. Thor even set up home in Tenerife to pursue his research.

This got me thinking about my apartment in Tenerife, which I bought shortly after Thor died. It is on two floors in a pyramid-shaped block, but the apartment itself is hugely bigger up than down. Sometimes I think of it as an inverse pyramid within a pyramid – reminiscent of the glass images in the Paris Louvre as seen in the film The Da Vinci Code. These images symbolise the male and the female.

Now I’m no pagan historian or astrophysicist, but this sort of stuff sends my inquisitive mind into frenzy. Could my home also be perfectly aligned to Cosmic Phenomena? What about the male-female symbolism? I immediately blew up my inflatable raft and set off to investigate.

My first port of call was Olaf, owner of the local Norwegian bar, who sent me home by taxi after two double rounds of his home-made Vodka “Thor”. Later, whilst sitting on my balcony, I observed not one, but two inverse crescent moons. Perhaps I was onto something.

But it was months later, on the night of the Winter Solstice, when my researches hit the jackpot. I’d bumped into Olaf by the beach earlier in the day and he sort of relented; he said he’d lift the ban, and would be happy to see me again in his bar to celebrate his new Buy-Two-Get-One-Free offer. Amazing how a recession changes commercial attitudes.

Later, having consumed three double rounds, I found myself back on my balcony. I can’t remember how I was transported there, but I witnessed the slow traverse of not two, but three inverse crescent moons across a night’s starred face. And I saw my girlfriend moving towards me holding huge cloudy cymbals, and I feared I had ceased to be before my pen had gleaned my teeming brain.

And now for the really horrifying bit – did you know that the ancient Mayan calendar stops on December 21, 2012, when the Mayans believed the world would end?

But I’ll be all right, because I’ve got the T-shirt. It is emblazoned with Mayan phonetic hieroglyphics which loosely translate into Armageddon Outa Here! - or something that sounds like that. Olaf gave me the T-shirt when he said goodbye.

PS. If you suspect that your home may be aligned to Cosmic Phenomena, please get in touch now. This research must continue unabated, and we have so little time.

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